1. Caribbean Strap & Phineas Godwinn is Crap

In Your House: Mind Games - Sep.22.1996

Justin "Hawk Bradshaw vs Savio Vega

Caribbean Strap Match

    We're gonna get straight into it with a pretty famous match, though not necessarily for anything to do with the match itself or even the two participants. Prior to this bout Justin "Hawk" Bradshaw had appeared only in a Free For All bout at In Your House 9 (where he defeated Savio) and in a 30 second defeat at the hands of Jake Roberts on night one of the aborted In Your House: Beware Of Dog, so those matches don't count for our timeline as they didn't appear on a PPV broadcast proper. For our purposes this is Bradshaw's PPV debut. Incidentally this show is also the televised in ring debut of Mark Henry, an historic night.

    The show is in Philadelphia at a brand new arena and WWF are keen to appease the Philly faithful after they did less than impress them with King Of The Ring 1995. The mood tonight appears to be much happier however, indeed this is one of the very first things that we see on the broadcast

    I'm not saying that's a plant but the people either side of that guy have signs as well one of which reads "TONY GAREA RULES". No he fucking doesn't. Regardless, the crowd are clearly receptive and WWF are putting their best foot forward with the Caribbean Strap Match. I don't know about you but nothing says "hot opener" to me more than Bradshaw and the Philly fans loved Savio so much at last year's King Of The Ring that this is sure to be a hit.

    Bradshaw makes his way to the ring accompanied by Uncle Zebekiah. Bradshaw is near unrecognisable in this guise with a long blonde ponytail and his big red pants with "The HAWK" on the back. His duster is cool as anything though with a big Hawk airbrushed on the back of it. It's a shame that was retired so quickly. Savio gets a backstage promo while Bradshaw makes his entrance in which he calls The Hawk a "stinky cowboy". Mr Perfect on commentary mentions that Savio has already wrestled once tonight on the Free For All so again the WWF clearly remember how receptive the Philadelphia crowd was to seeing multiple Savio Vega matches in one night.

    Despite having already comepeted against murder suspect Marty Jannetty Savio shows no signs of fatigue as he sprints to the ring and the two men tear into one another before they can even be strapped together. Already having his end of the strap secured, Bradshaw lashes Savio and biels him. It's all of 30 seconds before Mr Perfect calls Bradshaw a "big Texan" and if this blog had a drinking game rule #1 would be any reference to Bradshaw being both big and Texan.

    The match is full of weird quirks from Bradshaw's look, to Mr P. being on commentary to Harvey Wippleman being referee. Harvey struggles to assert control over the bout and actually affix the strap to Savio, for which JR rightfully criticises him. (As I type this it's a few hours after news of Kamala passing broke and I can't help but think of the big man when seeing Harvey on screen).

    Savio is finally hooked up to the rope and they brawl to the floor. Savio uses the rope to yank Bradshaw into the ringpost as some familiar faces are seen in the crowd and an "ECW" chant begins. In the crowd are Tommy Dreamer and Sandman and Vince acknowledges them as members of a "local wrestling group". Sandman spits beer on Savio and Savio looks shocked and then just sort of stands there. It makes the Puerto Rican street thug look a bit soft it has to be said. Impossible to imagine that Bradshaw would have just taken that. Bradshaw would have "Blue Meanied" his arse. 

    As it is Dreamer and Sandman are escorted out of the building, their job done and this incident being the catalyst for the ECW Invasion angle. Bradshaw uses the distraction to go back on the offensive and they take it back into the ring. As anybody who has ever seen one will attest, Strap Matches have a flaw at the heart of the conceit which is that the act of slapping the four turnbuckles to win is neither satisfying nor dramatic. They do what they can with the stipulation, incorporating the strap into almost all of their offence and on the turnbuckle-slapping spots they accentuate Bradshaw's considerable heft, getting over that Savio really struggles to pull his lardy arse around the ring in order to reach the corners. 

    Savio whips the shit out of Bradshaw and hits his spinning wheel kick. A neat spot as Savio slaps three turnbuckles and as he's running for the fourth he gets pulled back with such force that he's sent flying and flipping through the air. To accentuate the weirdness of this period of Bradshaw he hits the Clothesline From Hell but it's just a regular move at this point. "Thats what you call a clothesline!" says Mr Perfect. It sure is. They then do the finish to every single Strap match that there has ever been where the heel slaps three turnbuckles, not realising that the babyface is following him and then Savio gazumps him, beating him to the fourth turnbuckle for the win. 

    Savio keeps his much touted flawless record in Caribbean Strap Matches and it makes me wonder what would have happened if he'd had a Caribbean Strap Match with the Undertaker at WrestleMania. For our man Bradshaw it means that he gets off to a losing start and my gut tells me that Bradshaw's overall win/loss record on PPV will be less than stellar.

    The match is hamstrung by the stipulation really as there's only so interesting you can make slapping turnbuckles with the occasional tug of war but the lads try their absolute best. There's decent brawling and any time you're using the leather strap or a belt in wrestling it looks and sounds great. It's decent stuff and it's enough of a historical curiosity to be interesting but it's nothing great.

RATING: 5/10

Win/Loss record: 0 - 1

WrestleMania 13 - Mar.23.1997

The New Blackjacks vs The Headbangers vs The Godwinns vs Doug Furnas & Phil LaFon 

Four Corners Elimination Tag Team Match

    Aside from Free For All appearances Bradshaw doesn't wrestle on Pay Per View again in 1996 but there's no way they could deny the fans seeing him perform on the grandest stage of them all. Am I the only one who sort of misses the old WrestleMania theme song?

    While the Headbangers and the Godwinns make their entrance we are introduced to the various international announce teams and we get a run down of the rules of what Vince calls a "unique type match"

    Notably Vince himself doesn't have a go at explaining the rules which is probably wise. We'll talk more about the rules later but first we get an intro package for the New Blackjacks, seeing footage of the original Blackjacks in the 1970s and then we go backstage to Todd Pettengill who is with the New Blackjacks to cut a promo. Blackjack Windham talks about the Blackjack tradition and Blackjack Bradshaw yells...something in Texan. The gist is "come git ya some!". He would get better at that. Still, a video package and a promo for the new team here at WrestleMania hints at the company clearly having a push in store for them. You would think that anyway.

    The Blackjacks come out to Justin "Hawk" Bradshaw's music which as best as I can tell is Jim Johnston doing his royalty free version of Lenny Kravitz. It would be remiss of me not to mention that the Blackjacks have fucking great moustaches. All the teams brawl before the bell before it comes down to Bradshaw and "Hank" Godwinn to start us off. A decent little sequence from the two big lads who can both shift a bit, running the ropes and such before Henry blasts Brad with a clothesline. Henry tags Thrasher in (Vince calls him Mosh) and Bradshaw nails him with a big boot and a nice pumphandle slam.

    Bradshaw tags Phineas Godwinn in who does one move and then things really hit the skids as Phineas tags in Mosh. This leaves us with both Mosh and Thrasher of the Headbangers in the ring and it baffles me why they would book this spot as it only serves to draw a huge spotlight on the logical flaws involved in this match type. Much like the Strap match, a four corners tag match is flawed in its design and we see here the issues it poses as Mosh and Thrasher punch each other once, "mosh" for a moment and then just kind of....stand around. Then one of them just tags out. King at this point starts pointing out the flaws in the logic, asking what would happen if you pinned your tag partner and both got eliminated and yeah, any time your commentator is saying that the match doesn't make sense live on commentary it's not a good sign.

    Phil LaFon comes in and hits a nice snap suplex to which Vince says "shades of the Dynamite Kid there" which seems oddly out of character, especially as he called the move as well. LaFon then hits the little reverse enziguri that Jeff Hardy is fond of. Windham gets tagged and LaFon catches him with a northern lights suplex for two. Furnas then gets tagged in and hits a beautiful Frankensteiner to pop the crowd and get a two count. Moments later Furnas attempts a leapfrog but Barry catches him and blasts him with a huge slam for another two count. The change of pace when LaFon and Furnas came in is really startling. 

    Bradshaw comes back in, decks Furnas and taunts the crowd. There's a light smattering of boos and you get the impression that the crowd don't really know whether they're supposed to like the Blackjacks or not. Bradshaw goes for the as-yet-still-unnamed Clothesline From Hell but Furnas ducks and dropkicks him, sending him to the outside.

    Windham interferes, pulling Furnas to the outside too and then LaFon gets involved as all four men begin brawling. The ref attempts to break it up but Blackjack Bradshaw stupidly shoves him to the ground causing the New Blackjacks to be eliminated via DQ. Hilariously Vince calls this a "stupid manoeuvre". In the melee Furnas and LaFon are also counted out, meaning we are down to the Godwinns vs The Headbangers.

    Things slow considerably at this point as the Godwinns utilise quick tags but don't really do much other than kicks and punches and the odd slam. Phineas does do a nice stalling vertical suplex on Mosh though, causing his skirt to ride up, giving Vince a chuckle. Vince, incidentally, still doesn't know which Headbanger is which and resorts to just saying "the Headbanger". The highlight of this portion of the match comes when Phineas and Mosh spit on one another and then Vince insinuates that Phineas fucks farm animals. He might have become naked Mideon but he could have gotten an even worse gimmick if Vince had carried on pulling at that thread.

    Henry hits the Cactus Clothesline and Mosh returns serve with a really nice springboard body press to the outside. Thrasher tags in and misses a moonsault which gives Phineas the opportunity to perform the most luke warm hot tag I can remember seeing with some scoop slams that even Lex Luger would think were questionable. There's a fracas with all four men and Mosh lands the Mosh Pit for the win.

    There's good sequences when LaFon and Furnas are in the ring but it's over in a minute or two and then they're gone. It seems really odd to me that Furnas and LaFon are clearly the best team there, while the Blackjacks get the promo and the intro package yet both teams are gone almost immediately. It really does feel like all logic would dictate that The New Blackjacks and Furnas & LaFon should have been the two teams it came down to. After that point there's one or two decent little moments but it's really just punch'n'kick and this guy in the crowd sums up my feelings pretty well.

    

    It might have rated slightly higher but it's losing marks due to a lack of Bradshaw being significant as all he really gets the chance to do is a nice pumphandle slam and look like a dunce when he gets his team DQ'd.

RATING: 2/10

Win/Loss record: 0 - 2

Survivor Series 1997 - Nov.09.1997

The New Blackjacks and The Headbangers vs The Godwinns and Billy Gunn & Road Dog

Survivor Series Elimination Match

    

    Montreal, Quebec Canada. November 9 1997. One of the most historic nights in pro wrestling history. We're not here to talk about any of that though, we're here to talk about Team Headbangers vs Team Godwinns. 

    The teams get their intros in French which is cool, as the Canada vs US storyline is arguably the greatest that WWF has ever done and little flourishes like that really added a lot to it. Speaking of, as the heel squad make their way to the ring Road Dog (he hasn't yet earned his second G) cuts a promo on the "maple leaf loving freaks" in attendance and calls the babyface team "steers and queers". He calls the Headbangers the "Buttbangers" while Billy is sporting one of the Blackjacks' hats with the top of it punched out - some kind of trophy as the story going in to this is basically that Dog and Gunn have been running around being absolute wankers to everyone. 

    Windham and Phineas start things off. Windham is in poor shape here and he's really starting to look his age (3 years younger than Bret Hart, Jesus Christ) but that doesn't stop him hitting a big one armed scoop slam to Phineas. Our man Bradshaw comes in, stepping over the top rope and JR says he reminds a lot of people of Stan Hansen as Brad nails Phineas with a big powerslam.

    Phineas goes for a tag but none of the heel squad want into the ring with Bradshaw. Henry takes up the challenge and JR calls Henry and Brad "two big bulls". King says he likes that the Godwinns don't do anything fancy, they just club you into submission so basically the Godwinns are the Revival of 1997. Bradshaw slaps an abdominal stretch on Henry and rolls back into a cradle to eliminate him. Nice little hold. More ZSJ than JBL. 

    

     Windham and Phineas come in and Windham again defies his dad-bod as he hits a nice vertical suplex and a nice gutwrench suplex to the big man. Windham is eliminated in short order however via bog standard clothesline. Mosh enters to take his place.

    The match slows to an absolute crawl with Mosh applying holds to Phineas before P.I.G gets the tag to Billy Gunn who decks Mosh and stalls, taunting the crowd. The crowd, not having heard enough homophobia from Road Dog earlier, entertain themselves by loudly chanting "F****T" at Billy. Billy eliminates Mosh with some big fuck off faceplant thing before Thrasher and Phineas come back in.

    The crowd, fair play to them, are bang up for this show and they give a huge ovation when Thrasher looks to them for encouragement but he can muster only a headlock in response to their support. It's poor stuff it has to be said. In an 8 man tag match you shouldn't need to rely on rest holds and stalling as much as these guys are. Phineas Godwinn is doing the bulk of the work in the bout and that is a really questionable decision. Lawler chats shit to entertain himself, wondering where Vince McMahon is tonight and JR says only "he's a little busy".

    Interminable stuff from Thrasher and Phineas with Thrasher just applying endless holds. Any time they do anything as basic as a hip toss or arm drag the crowd really respond because it's such a hot atmosphere but these guys just aren't giving them anything at all. The crowd go back to yelling homophobic slurs at Billy Gunn. Thrasher hits the Stage Dive to finally eliminate Phineas.

    

    Dog comes back in and to quote JR "business just picked up" as Bradshaw comes in. No rest holds from this guy. Clubbering. Short clothesline. Doctor Bomb. This is more like it. Billy distracts him allowing Dog to roll Bradshaw up for a 3 count but Bradshaw just gets back up and clotheslines the fuck out of both Dog and Gunn for their trouble.

    We're down to Dog & Gunn vs Thrasher and Thrasher immediately shows his babyface fire by choking Dog on the floor. Dog attempts his rarely seen finisher The Stretch Armstrong, failing twice but Billy gets a blind tag at some point nailing Thrasher with a big diving stomp while Thrasher attempted a cover, putting this one out of its misery.

    For an 8 man tag in front of a hot crowd these guys really did the bare minimum. Bradshaw and Windham were the ones who used their time to it's fullest, just coming in and doing big slams and stuff. Bradshaw did shine in his brief forays and they seemed to structure the match around his big bursts of offence which he executed well, so I'll give it some points for that but the moments where the Headbangers or Godwinns were in just seemed to never end. Really tedious stuff. 

RATING: 3/10

Win/Loss record: 0 - 3

   Thanks for reading. It's only gonna get better from here folks, trust me. Join me next time as the New Blackjacks implode, Bradshaw finds some strange bedfellows and Kaientai show the Godwinns and Headbangers a thing or two about pacing a multi man tag match.