3. An Unconvincing Stan Hansen Tribute Act
Fully Loaded - Jul.26.1998
Bradshaw & Terry Funk vs Farooq & Scorpio
It feels like we've reached the end of an era on the Bradblog, that being the era of random tag team pairings. This time it's a battle to see who is the greatest pair of slightly mismatched guys thrown together because they have nothing else to do and seemingly for no other reason than they are the same ethnicity (Texan and black respectively) . At least I assume that's what the match is for because there's absolutely nothing in the way of story heading into it and all four men are babyface.
Somewhat bizarrely they take the 30 seconds prior to the bout to try and insert a storyline backstage where Funk and Bradshaw get a promo. Terry says that you have to follow your heart in pro wrestling and as such he's gonna be stepping away from in ring competition after this match....for six months or thereabouts. Terry has clearly realised at this point that nobody actually believes him anymore when he says he's gonna retire so he's just dropped the pretence. Nevertheless Brad gets the hump that his tag team partner has announced to both he and the world that he's gonna be stepping away from the ring one minute before their first pay per view outing as a unit. Funk says he needs to recharge his batteries and Bradshaw just says "great" and storms off. I think he might have had a point on this one.
They look at each other all angrily as they march out to the ring to Bradshaw's Lenny Kravitz music and Lawler rightfully sympathises with Bradshaw that the Funker's timing could have been better. JR points out that Funk & Scorpio used to be a team and it is really quite jarring seeing two recognised tag teams pairing off against one another in such a weird "TNA Deuces Wild" style combination.
Bradshaw and Scorpio start things off, JR mentioning that both men have qualified for the up coming Brawl For All (and I feel like it would be remiss of me not to write about that one day) as they run the ropes with Bradshaw blasting Scorpio with a shoulder block. Scorpio fires back and hits a dropkick but he can't drop the big Texan who decks Scorpio once more. JR says Bradshaw is a horse there's no doubt about that.
Farooq tags in and takes things to Bradshaw, hitting him with a PAC-style roundhouse kick to the gut before Bradshaw fights back with a clothesline in the corner and then a flying shoulder tackle from the top rope. That trademark APA offence there.
Funk gets a big ovation when he tags in, peppering Farooq with jabs and doing great grunts. Farooq looks for the Dominator but Bradshaw breaks it up with a big boot which is just as well because I think at Terry's advanced age it may well have literally broken him in half. Brilliantly Funk yells "GET UP YOU SON OF A BITCH! GET UP DAMN YOU!" at Farooq as he tags in Bradshaw who ascends the ropes once more. A fan in the crowd yells "KICK HIS ASS TERRY!". Bradshaw goes airborne again but this time Farooq turns it into a huge powerslam to pop he crowd and get a 2 count. Farooq then begins mouthing off, not to be outdone by the Funker.
Scorpio tags back in and he and Bradshaw trade some impressive offence with Bradshaw breaking out a second rope backdrop and a big powerbomb but JR and Lawler spend the whole time talking about The Undertaker and Steve Austin or the fact that D'lo Brown is now live on the Superstar Line and it's the first sign that maybe these four guys are fighting a losing battle in this one.
Funk tags in and gives Scorpio a pasting on the outside with Scorpio chucking himself all over. Funk goes to the middle ropes with JR speculating that he's gonna go for the Asai Moonsault but instead he hits a weird Vader Bomb type move. The guys are breaking out some big stuff and it's getting muted reactions but the crowd aren't exactly getting draw into it. Between the big spots you can just constantly hear cat calls and individual crowd members mouthing off. There's no kind of sustained reaction and who can blame them - this is an Attitude Era PPV that has already seen gimmicks like Val Venis and a D'lo Brown/X-Pac match and it's a bout between four babyfaces randomly thrown together with no story and the only recognised gimmicks are "cowboy" and "Terry Funk". The whole thing is inconsequential and they know it.
Indeed, at the exact moment that Scorpio covers 2/3 of the ring with a second rope leg drop the crowd begin chanting "boring" and watching themselves do crotch chops on the Titantron instead of watching the action in the ring. In fairness they stop chanting boring when Scorpio hits the 450 splash for the three count. For his part, Scorpio was always a great performer but looking at him here it's easy to see why he never caught on in the WWF. Not to put too fine a point on it and I know he was having some issues around this time he looks like utter shit. He has a weird haircut, weird gear, a loose physique. Still though, 450.
Post match Bradshaw gets in Terry's face, pissed off that Funk took the fall, asking what the hell he was doing out there before turning his attention to Farooq and Scorpio. Bradshaw yells at the victors to come back because this is bullshit and it ain't over. Terry attempts to calm him down but the young stud levels Funk with a short clothesline completing his heel to turn to boos from the crowd. Scorpio runs in to make the save as if Funk were Chris Candido getting beaten up outside a nightclub but Bradshaw just batters him too, sending him to the outside and then hitting the Clothesline to end all Clotheslines.
Farooq enters the scene backing Bradshaw up. Bradshaw tells Farooq to kiss his ass and then cheap shots him with a steel chair - Farooq and Scorpio coming very much from the Groundskeeper Willie school of saving the day. JR says it looks like a truck wreck and Bradshaw is the truck.
And that's that. It's a brief bout and all four guys just tag in do their big spot and then tag out so the action is all pretty good - no Phineas Godwinn rest holds here - but the crowd just don't give a shit and even JR and King let their minds wander and talk about other stuff. The four of them try their best but the lack of interest and the fact that they try and do a full 6 week tag team break up storyline in 10 minutes just kind of sinks the whole thing. In front of a receptive crowd this would maybe rate higher and I certainly can't complain about how strong they made our hero look but nothing about it feels important enough to get you excited.
RATING: 5/10
Win/Loss record: 1 - 6
Breakdown 1998 - Sep.27.1998
Bradshaw vs Vader
Falls Count Anywhere Match
The most unfair criticism of Bradshaw, though a common one, is that he is some kind of Stan Hansen wannabe or knock off. Now I like to refute that and God knows that's basically the primary function of this blog but I'm not even sure Dominic Cummings could spin this any differently. Since turning heel Bradshaw had done basically sweet FA and despite ditching the cowboy gimmick to find a little more of that WWF Attitude he was basically just as aimless as he ever was, except now he was a heel and now he didn't even have a defined gimmick. WWF needed to find a way to get him over and by God punching fuck out of Vader worked for Stan Hansen so why can't it work for Bradshaw? That is quite literally how we come to this match. I've been trying to do some research on how it was set up but neither man had appeared on Raw for weeks prior to this and there's certainly no mention on commentary of any issue between the two so I can only assume they just went "fuck it let's put the two big lads in a brawl".
JR of course says this one is gonna be a slobberknocker and as if wanting to prove his point Bradshaw starts things off by absolutely clattering Vader in the corner with a huge clothesline. JR mentions that Bradshaw made the final of the Brawl For All so I guess that explains why he hasn't had any meaningful storyline or character development for the last 3 months. Bradshaw hefts Vader up for an impressive scoop slam accompanied by an even more impressive grunt. He hits an elbow drop for 2 and it's only in watching these Bradshaw matches back that I've realised what a distinctive elbow drop he had. I really like it. He's a big bastard and he just sort of leans over and lets gravity do the rest.
Lawler encourages Bradshaw to wrap a chair around Vader's head as the Mastodon takes over on offence with the "Vader attack" and a splash for 2. Around this time JR mentions that the two were briefly tag team partners but they couldn't get along and I guess that's as close to a storyline as we are gonna get in this one. Bradshaw sends Vader to the outside with what JR calls "that Clothesline From Hell" and that's not the last slightly odd Clothesline From Hell sighting tonight.
The two brawl around ringside but it basically amounts to just loads and loads of short arm clotheslines with the occasional weapon shot thrown in. As mentioned in previous entries here, Bradshaw is at his best when he can bust out a flurry of offence, hitting his explosive power moves and running through guys. Here he's the dominant young heel so he is in control of the offence and building heat so it's all just slow clubbering. For his part Vader just doesn't seem to be motivated and he doesn't have anything like the intensity he had when he had this match with Stan Hansen. A fan in the crowd offers Vader the advice to "hit him with your fat ass!" and it's safe to say that he doesn't quite have the same aura that he had when he faced Stan Hansen either. The action in this no holds barred brawl between two monsters is so gripping that JR tells us that Droz, Marc Mero and Jacqueline are now live on the Superstar Line.
More clubbering, call and response air horns in the crowd, Bradshaw hits an impressive backdrop but it gets less than crickets from the fans because they're absolutely dead by now. Back to the outside and Vader hits a blatant low blow for 2. Vader hits a big splash from the second rope and it's accompanied by the most comically timed airhorn in wrestling history. The timestamp comes at 00:46:13 on the Network and I would urge you to seek it out because it's by far the highlight of this match. Vader follows up with the Vader Bomb which scores only a two count. Seeing the Vader Bomb kicked out of wakes the crowd up a bit as they seem genuinely shocked and JR & King put over how impressive it is that Bradshaw kicked out.
Bradshaw then hits an enormous Clothesline From Hell but only scores a 2 - now it's Bradshaw's turn to be shocked. He blasts Vader with a second Clothesline From Hell and then bizarrely hits a neckbreaker for the 1-2-3.
This was Vader's last ever pay-per-view appearance in the WWF and he knew it. Bradshaw has spoken very warmly in the past about how Vader put him over as strong as possible and insisted that Bradshaw kick out of the Vader Bomb but I honestly don't think this did him any favours. Much like the previous bout there was just nothing around the set up to make you invested. Neither man had any direction going into the bout, they had done nothing to set up a feud or promote it on TV, Vader seemed oddly out of place in 1998 WWF (and to make matters worse all they had done was call him fat for months) and Bradshaw was just a big dude in black trunks by this point. On paper they could have saved it with a wild brawl and I was really looking forward to seeing two of my absolute favourites of all time knock the shit out of each other but they simply didn't deliver on that promise when the bell rang. If you want to watch Vader have an awesome brawl with a massive guy from the deep south watch his match against Big Boss Man from Spring Stampede 1994 instead.
RATING: 2/10
Win/Loss record: 2 - 6
Thanks for reading. Please join me next time where Bradshaw will finally find a gimmick and tag team partner that will stand the test of time.
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